Sweat are the words of my body and soul - My first CF Open Arrives tonight

"The workouts are always miserable but they push you to that dark place that you don’t want to go to—amongst a community that is so supportive.”

This from a 4th grade social studies teacher, an amazing athlete, one of many who continually motivate me to rise above my every day shortcomings and misgivings.  Carpe diem.

I'm not going to lie.  The big C keeps coming and coming.  It robs my family of our strength and attention and our time.  It's hard to live in the present when you are worried about the future or, even worse, you are in pain, emotionally and/or physically.  And then while you are out energizing yourself with Nature, music, physical exertion, whatever, you meet souls so fractured, you think how lucky you are to be equipped with good self-coping mechanisms and the love of family and community.

No one wants to go to a dark place, me least of all.  You see people in that dark place.  You hear people in that dark place.  You feel--oh, I hate feeling this--that dark place. Words cannot help enough, seem pointless, irrelevant, stupid, or inept.  That dark place between life and death that seems to come more and more in this society, whether self-induced or real. 

No matter what.  It's necessary.  Painfully necessary.  I literally visit a dark place every day...it is a decision that I make whether I push past that point of no return and give up, or I say, "Hey, there's hope." 

I think that's why I love CF so much and I am enthusiastically looking forward to participating in the Open.  Not because I'm going to win or kick ass or lose weight or break records.  And I don't care if anyone gets it.  I'm going to my dark place.  Sweat are the words that the body and soul and heart expresses, inglorious and commonplace as they are in my world.  And that's good enough for me. So, let the games begin.

Three Months In...Some Things

Ummmm, I'm three months into CF now, feeling good, making gains.  I can feel myself slowing down on the PRs, of course, which is inevitable.  Can't PR forever.  You can't make jumps on every movement, but I'm still challenged by getting quicker and the elusive kip...LOL.  Got asked about nutrition last night, and, for the most part, I'm pretty strict, but that got me thinking...

I've let some things slip with myself and my family.  Mainly the stress we're all under seems to be influencing this...the day-to-day things I need to do for me and everyone else combined with the insurmountable feelings of dread and fright at the unknowable and unpredicable and the loss of control over someone else's health and mindset.  I'm caught in a balancing act of what to obsess over and what to let go, what needs to be done and what can be left as is, what I need to worry about and what is going to be okay.  And, no, this isn't the first time, which is pretty much why it is so hard...we've been down this road before.  It's big and hard and awful and then when I start looking back, I realize just how long we've been doing this and start worrying about the kids and our future.

This gets me back to CF.  It's steady.  It's near home.  It's an hour in the afternoon, most days, and in the morning (see above) on weekdays.  It's hard work and it's definitely keeping me in the present, which is where I need to be.  It's positive, life-fulfilling, and therapy.  It kicks my butt and helps me let go of what needs to be let go of, if only because I can't lift my arms enough to wash the dishes right this minute.

You never know what tomorrow will bring and you certainly can't change the past.  One day at a time is all I've got right now.  So, with regard to nutrition, I think I do pretty good, but I can do better. Today, I'll clean it up and live in the present and eat a little cleaner and better and stop the stress-nibbling (because that's what it is).  And I'll keep pushing.