Reflect and reblog: Earthmother2: Tomorrow is my 2 week anniversary with CFMD

Coach Joe just posted this:  "Monday motivation to anyone who could use it...



"Do you all remember why you walked in that door? Or why you began your fitness journey. Sometimes I think we can get to caught up with competing with others instead of the most important reason of all.
You do this for YOU. We all start for different reasons but in general we all share something amazing and positive. We wanted to improve something,our fitness our health etc. You do it with us because we are good at it, and we can all help each other succeed. I challenge you all to remember why you started, and return to that state of mind if you're not currently in it. This isn't about doing more muscle ups than the person next to you, it's plain and simple about getting you more health and fitness into your life in a fun/positive way. Remember why you walked in that door..."

And so, I went back (because I could use a reminder...

Earthmother2: Tomorrow is my 2 week anniversary with CFMD: It's been about 4 weeks since I started paleo and about 3 weeks since I walked in the door of Crossfit Milk District and plopped down a ...



I have even more stress in my life than before, but since joining CFMD, I have a healthier perspective on just about everything.  I include fun, new activities in my life and I make sure I get to a class at CFMD at least 4-5 times/week.  I don't obsess on missing a workout (and I really do MISS the people there and the positive vibes that come from just being present--I love going not--and I don't worry when I miss because I think I'm going to get fat).  I able to have a nonpaleo meal once a week without flipping a gasket and I don't worry about not sleeping because when my head hits the pillow, I'm out from all my activities.



To be honest, I couldn't articulate exactly what I wanted when I walked in the door (because I was pretty fit).  I knew I wanted to get stronger (and I have), to work around old injuries and limitations without getting reinjured (and I have), to have more energy and motivation (and I do and am), and to stop worrying about the scale (haven't been on one since I stepped in CFMD).  I also wanted a place I could go where people were like me--not just like me, but like me.  I got so much more than all this.  Joe is right.  CFMD is good at what they do.  They are even better than that...they are great at what they do. 

Are You Smarter than Your 5th Grader? Reflections on CF Open Season 14

Crossfit's Open is over and I finished my first open ever.  Some of the very things that I teach my 5th graders about reading and life are appropriate to all of us...I mean, really appropriate.  Just like tribal dancing, I have a list of things I need to hone, things I want to learn, inspiration for choreography and material tucked away in the back of the head.  Same holds true for CF.  A growing list of skills to learn and improve, skills to hone, things to practice, and new things to hunt for and absorb.

It's all about strategies we use every day.  Today, during our Team Workout, I was super excited.  We climbed ropes (of course, I'll only miss this if I absolutely CAN'T make it that day) and did box jumps (I'm thinking my legs are pretty tired from the previous day's heavy deadlifts and our fabulous belly dancing show subsequently).  There was an Indian run (which I've forged an attitude of oh-crap about since it's a lot like Brazillians from soccer college days) and 200 m. relays (again, not my favorite).  Best of all, a truck push. Yes, a truck push.  Just like the 70s and 80s and our brother, boyfriend, even father's car/truck/tank.  The decades of push-starting.

One of the worst strategies I see and hear almost every day--not just from my special ed kids who have NOT been successful--but from adults my age is negative self-talk.  Since I started crossfit way back in November and went paleo, I have made a point of listening to my negative self-talk.  Not trying to do away with it, although that would be optimal...just listening to it.  In these five months, I've even learned that there are categories of negative self-talk (I'm sure there's a thesis out there with names).  For example, there's my hungry negative self-talk:  I fucking can't take this anymore.  I'm sick of cooking and cleaning.  I mean, really?  Anyone who knows me knows I can't clean and most of the time I'm a great cook.  I even enjoy cooking...but when I'm hungry, you better get me food.  There's the That-Time-Of-The-Month negative self-talk (and without fail, this happens every moon cycle):  I'm so fat.  I noticed this the most, so that's when I tried to figure out, "Why?"  Why do I do this?  Why does this pop into my mind?  Why do I believe this?

And then there's the "I'm afraid of" negative self-talk, which brings me back to the classroom, to life, to crossfit, to the Open.  I hear people say, "I can't do that."  Just a blanket statement.  That's not necessarily unrealistic.   There are things we simply can't do.  I can't bench press 250 pounds and I probably never will.
I can't translate the Eddas and the Sagas because I don't know the language (presently).  I can't have babies (because I'm fixed :)).  None of these things tell me I suck.  They are just things I can't do.

Still, often times, people can't do things because they are afraid.  It's awesome when someone shares that fear because they get it out in the open.  They give a name to it.  I feel like this is critical.  And most people respond by, "You can do this!" (hopefully, we are all hanging around positive people).  Most fears are irrational.  Like snakes.  Like intimate relationships.  Like breaking routine.  Like tackling a new skill.  Yet, they are what make us human.

Since starting CF, I make a point of tackling what I am afraid of.  I mean, really tackling it.  This is totally different than scaling.  Totally different than modifying.  I mean, if I don't know something, I try to learn the most I can about it, and give my best shot.  And I come back for more, even though I hear the negative self-talk burbling up...I'm so sore.  I'm too tired.  I've got to go to the grocery store.  I suck at move x.  I'm not feeling strong today. I feel fat in my shorty shorts.  My hands are blistered and hurt.  There is no end to what I hear in my head, and probably no end to what other people hear in their head, too.  In the past, I allowed it to be heard, but now I filter it.  I try not to react to it.  I try not to let it be the deciding factor on why I'm going to do something, although it might alter my how I'm going to do something.  For instance, I'm going to tape my hands because the blisters hurt (theystill hurt if I don't go, too) and I'm going to modify my grip.  I'm always tired and sore (that happens when you are older than 40)...suck it up.  I'd still be sore and tired if I didn't go.

Negative self-talk and fears stop us from trying and doing our best and sometimes stop us from trying at all. Giving in is giving up to potential.  Most of us, me included, listen to our negative talk more than we listen to our bodies or we would all be eating cleanly and appropriately for how we feel AND exercising every day.  Every workout is an opportunity to learn something.  Every day is like that, too.  The inner voice that guides us should always be present, but hopefully the one that says, "You can do this" or "Why am I feeling this way" or "How can I do this better" will prevail.

I'm very glad the Open is over because now I can rest, get stronger, make a new plan, and learn.  I'll have a bigger arsenal of skills and experiences to do the next one.  And, most of all, I get to have fun and push more trucks and climb more ropes.  Life is good.

CF All Day Long

I have to be totally honest.  I think about CF all day long, even in my quiet moments.  I think of each teaching block as a WOD - warm-up, skill work/strength work, and WOD.  I also see my CF fam thinks about CF, too.   There's always a post on FB.   The harder the workout, the more posts about CF workouts after work.  And, it's not just about the Open (which is all brand new to me as of, like, 5 min. ago).  It's this funny phenomenon that somehow hushes the negative self-talk and bad food choices.  I rarely have "fat" thoughts or "too many calories" thoughts, so when I do I can reflect on why I'm thinking a certain way.  CF just makes me feel good about myself, so I think about it all the time.  Yes, it's like a drug.

Here's my typical work day:

4 am - Roll out of bed at the sound of my cellphone's alarm clock and immediately click on Wodify to see what today's WOD will bring.
4:05 am - I make a pot o' coffee and fill my water bottle.
4:10 am - I go on and check work email and Facebook, looking for inspiration for today
4:40 am - I start thinking about what workout I can do that will compliment, not hinder, my performance at CF in the afternoon.
4:45 am - I start rolling on the roller and on the lacrosse ball and shaking out the soreness
5:00 am - WOD on the porch
5:30 am - 6:45 am - Start the breakfast and lunch making for the masses and myself, maybe start dinner in the crockpot or do the dishes to make my afternoon smoother
6:45 am - 7:25 am - Get ready for work - eat breakfast
7:25 am - 3:15 pm - Work, work, work
3:15 pm - 4:15 pm - Bide my time, chauffeuring, shopping, prepping dinner before I slip on my CF clothes.  Drink lots and lots of water and maybe have a light snack (this is my hardest time not to snack on the wrong things).
4:15 - 4:35 pm - possible power nap or time reading (if'n I don't have to pick up a child at high school)
4:45 - 6:00 pm - WOD at CFMD
6:00 - 7:00 pm - Dinner making and bread making for tomorrow's lunches
7:00 - 8:00 pm - Visiting and getting stuff ready for workout tomorrow (clothes), cleaning up dinner
8:00 - 8:30 pm - Cocoon Shake, liking other's workouts on Wodify, and some reading time and then, I fall asleep.

I'd think about CF all day long, if I didn't have to work.

Sweat are the words of my body and soul - My first CF Open Arrives tonight

"The workouts are always miserable but they push you to that dark place that you don’t want to go to—amongst a community that is so supportive.”

This from a 4th grade social studies teacher, an amazing athlete, one of many who continually motivate me to rise above my every day shortcomings and misgivings.  Carpe diem.

I'm not going to lie.  The big C keeps coming and coming.  It robs my family of our strength and attention and our time.  It's hard to live in the present when you are worried about the future or, even worse, you are in pain, emotionally and/or physically.  And then while you are out energizing yourself with Nature, music, physical exertion, whatever, you meet souls so fractured, you think how lucky you are to be equipped with good self-coping mechanisms and the love of family and community.

No one wants to go to a dark place, me least of all.  You see people in that dark place.  You hear people in that dark place.  You feel--oh, I hate feeling this--that dark place. Words cannot help enough, seem pointless, irrelevant, stupid, or inept.  That dark place between life and death that seems to come more and more in this society, whether self-induced or real. 

No matter what.  It's necessary.  Painfully necessary.  I literally visit a dark place every day...it is a decision that I make whether I push past that point of no return and give up, or I say, "Hey, there's hope." 

I think that's why I love CF so much and I am enthusiastically looking forward to participating in the Open.  Not because I'm going to win or kick ass or lose weight or break records.  And I don't care if anyone gets it.  I'm going to my dark place.  Sweat are the words that the body and soul and heart expresses, inglorious and commonplace as they are in my world.  And that's good enough for me. So, let the games begin.

Three Months In...Some Things

Ummmm, I'm three months into CF now, feeling good, making gains.  I can feel myself slowing down on the PRs, of course, which is inevitable.  Can't PR forever.  You can't make jumps on every movement, but I'm still challenged by getting quicker and the elusive kip...LOL.  Got asked about nutrition last night, and, for the most part, I'm pretty strict, but that got me thinking...

I've let some things slip with myself and my family.  Mainly the stress we're all under seems to be influencing this...the day-to-day things I need to do for me and everyone else combined with the insurmountable feelings of dread and fright at the unknowable and unpredicable and the loss of control over someone else's health and mindset.  I'm caught in a balancing act of what to obsess over and what to let go, what needs to be done and what can be left as is, what I need to worry about and what is going to be okay.  And, no, this isn't the first time, which is pretty much why it is so hard...we've been down this road before.  It's big and hard and awful and then when I start looking back, I realize just how long we've been doing this and start worrying about the kids and our future.

This gets me back to CF.  It's steady.  It's near home.  It's an hour in the afternoon, most days, and in the morning (see above) on weekdays.  It's hard work and it's definitely keeping me in the present, which is where I need to be.  It's positive, life-fulfilling, and therapy.  It kicks my butt and helps me let go of what needs to be let go of, if only because I can't lift my arms enough to wash the dishes right this minute.

You never know what tomorrow will bring and you certainly can't change the past.  One day at a time is all I've got right now.  So, with regard to nutrition, I think I do pretty good, but I can do better. Today, I'll clean it up and live in the present and eat a little cleaner and better and stop the stress-nibbling (because that's what it is).  And I'll keep pushing.

Pull-up Intervention and "Good" Work and Rough Beasts

"If the fundamentals of good work excellence and ethics are in harmony, we lead a personally fulfilling and socially rewarded life."

It's time.  Tonight, I have pull-up intervention planned for me at CFMD.  While I can do strict pull-ups, I have Elaine (from Seinfeld)'s kipping pull-up style: spastic and voluminous.  I guess because I have so much energy and brain cells, wasting a few too many is not too bad.  I can get through a workout, albeit inefficient.  So, tonight I have pull-up intervention (as Coach Joe intimated earlier this week after a few too-many humbling experiences in workouts).  

This has been a tough week--spiritually--at work.  My CF hour is my escape from the realities of feeling myself crumble beneath the weight of a bigger-than-CF-flipping-tire we call public education.  I feel like a broken axle, while mere anarachy is loosed upon the world.  Impotent.

Yet, CF, this week, has been a metaphor for this.  Our strengths, our foibles, our heart's underpinnings, all vying to best our previous efforts on a particular behavior/task.  And if not, we learn anew.  I wear myself out doing "good" work (coined by Gardner, Csikszentmihalyi, and Damon).  It is a good weariness, despite my self-doubts, frustrations, tiredness, soreness, and ramblings.  And I feel it necessary to keep trucking away, doing what feels like the impossible and learning how to will myself to get to the finish (even with uncontrollable and unfixable limitations).  Small victories from the pain and challenge equate to more and more strength--fortitude and resolve that I carry over into my next work day.  It is a mental, spiritual, and physical feat. It is the stuff that life, "good" work, motherhood, and sports is made of.

So, even though pull-up intervention feels like a "ding" to my ego,I know it's not. It's automacity and efficiency I'm seeking and practice makes perfect.  CF is practice for life.

Am I too serious?  Yeah, I'm a reading teacher.  I'm passionate about metaphors. It is this "good" work that builds and rebuilds relationships--endless possibilities (and dendrites).  It is rebirth and resurrection.  It is a sudden epiphany. It is ominous.  It is immense.  It sometimes is the rough beast slouching toward Bethlehem.

CF is my daily reminder that despite life's hardships that we rise to the challenges and we are changed and better for them.  Even the day of rest feeds my soul.  So, bring it on.

Ego Check

Last night, all I could think about was R/X'ing the workout (21-15-9 C2B and SDLHP with 100 double-unders as a buyout).  My pull-ups suck, but I really thought I R/X'd.  I got my chest to bar, but I guess you can't kip?? I don't know.  All I know is that pull-ups from a dead hang are no problem, but those dang CF pull-ups are freaky and weird and counterintuitive and, anyway, all I could think about is those dang double-unders though.  I'm going to do 100 of them.  I'm going to do 100 of them.  

When you are speeding through the workout and everything present a problem and you are trying to get stronger, form just goes to hell.  I have to step back.  I WANT to be stronger.  That's what I WANT.  I want to be able to R/X (and I need to be stronger to do that, but it doesn't happen over night).  There's an anxious part of me that can't stop what happens in my life from happening and I'm bringing that frantic pace to the crossfit now and it's going to end up killing my motivation.  My ego needs to be in check...

I question whether I can get stronger.  Can I really bench more than my max 130?  Can I squat 225 again?  I just need to slow down, and stop that frantic pace of my "real" life from creeping in.  Whatever the case, it won't happen overnight.   Time to revisit my goals and rewrite my action steps.

Step 1:  Check My Ego

Motivation

I posted a nice little link on my FB fitness group page...

but I just don't see me doing this.  I'm already intrinsically motivated to workout.  I can't remember a time I didn't give it my all when I worked out.  Don't take it easy on me, I say to me.  Still, it's a good idea.  Hopefully, it will help some of my peeps create and sustain good workout habits. 

Response

Yeah, I know I put it out there and you felt free to email me that CF'ers are a cult and always injured.  Well, I have some things to say about that.  First of all, when you live 20 years longer and reach an age of 45, you might know a few things more than you do.  Secondly, if you try getting off your arse, you also might figure out that people who are active still get injured and sick.  

From my perspective in the 2 months I've done crossfit and with the 30+ years I've been a competitive athlete (gymnast, soccer) and fitness professional, I know about injury.  When you are younger, competition drives your game.  Competition involves ego and youth involves risk.  You get injured--sometimes it can be prevented and sometimes not.  Crossfitters compete and the elite are competitive athletes.  They train as such.  Injury is part of the sport.  From the part of me (past my prime) that still has dreams of being elite, I know pain is part of anything.  You ache when you get out of bed sometimes--hell, almost every day.  There is soreness and then there is SORENESS.  I've learned how to work around the fact that I'm almost 50.  In my head, I am an athlete.  I revel in the beauty of the human body, but I acknowledge  it's never perfected and sometimes (I know this one really well having watched healthy friends succumb to cancer)--it can't even be bettered.  At some point, we all die.  So, while I'm living and healthy, I'll just keep kicking.

If you want to call it a cult...go ahead.  I've been caught in many vortexes which I am still a part of today--tribal belly dancing, for instance.  Yeah, and I like body modification.  I mean, really like it.  I would be pierced and tattooed all over if I wasn't tempered by my job.  I also am in the eating healthy cult.  Yeah, I don't drink or smoke or eat crap.  So what?  No one's recruiting you.  I'm just sharing.

I know I shared my blog.  If it bothers you to read it, then don't.  I'm not looking for constructive criticism or accolades necessarily (although I'm fine with both).  I'm posting it so I can say 5 years from now...that's where I was.  Wow!

The Lose-Weight Mentality

So, I got on the scale this morning.  I knew what I weighed, even after the holidays and even though I eat when I'm hungry (she says while licking her fingers after having a lambchop)--Fred says, "128."  A chiropractor running posture analyses at The Vitamin Shoppe says, "130."  I knew it.  132.  I'm fine with that.  In fact, I'm more than fine.  It is not just a comfortable weight.  More importantly, I feel good.  Even with the small aches of a ribhead healing and my flare-ups related to the PF, I feel strong and able to modify for my injuries.   I like feeling hungry and eating.  That's good and it is not the lose-weight mentality I've had for nearly 4 years now.  Seriously, 4 years of watching, counting, planning, logging, tweaking, depriving, bemoaning, and preaching.  I feel good.  Dang it.   I like meat--good cuts of meat and I like veggies.  I can go without bread and sugar.  Occasionally, I will have something sweet and terrible, but that is occasionally.

It occurred to me that I have been stuck in the lose-weight mentality for awhile now, even to the point where it wasn't going to happen.  So, I was disappointed there was no change or that the scale was going up.  Well, yeah...because I'm lifting weights, heavy weights and I'm not eating 1400-1800 calories a day.  In fact, I have no idea how much I'm eating.  I just know I'm eating.  And when I work out, it's short and sweet and I go by how I feel or what I am avoiding because it sucks.  That means I probably need to address it.  And I'm practicing and doing the things I avoid because I suck at them, too.  And I feel alive because of it.  Really alive.

And, I like CFMD because I feel at home there.  People want to be there, and they work hard when they are there, and they support and cheer for each other.  Personal triumphs become group triumphs and no one ever has a bad workout, just a workout that is more challenging.  And we can all say, "I did that" and "we did that."  That's cool.  That's really, really cool.  I walk out glad I went in, even though I think when I go in, I'll be glad to walk out (because some things are THAT hard).

There's no room for the LWM in my life.  Right now, I feel unfettered and disciplined; focused and open; strong and hungry.  Hungry for everything that working out and eating well entails. 

What is it about handstands that gets me into Crossfit?

What is it that will bring me into Crossfit Milk District even on a day where I'm having trouble moving?   Handstands or rope climbs.  Okay, I don't have a reason, other than my ribhead, not to go.  Sore is not a reason.  Tired is not a reason.  No kid activities to excuse me.  Tonight's WOD is bench press (75% - easy for me) and a metacon workout (not easy because of my ribhead).  I am low energy from Day 2 of the 21 Day Sugar Detox (even though I hardly eat anything outside of paleo and extra carbs in the form of clean, moderately-portioned extra serving for my activity level).  Still the promise of handstands make me happy and motivated to just go ahead and go in.  Tomorrow  is Nina's Metro or District lifting meet and I won't go in and I know I'll go in on Thursday and Friday and Saturday...so, why not join the ranks who are sore from last night just like me?

WODs in the woods and resolutions for 2014

Day 3 of the trip is a scheduled rest day OR a long, loopy run.  After completing 7 miles hiking up and down hilly lake trails, viewing our cabin from across the lake (yeah, last night, I was wondering as I looked across said lake:  "Wonder what's over on that little inlet..."), I don't feel the need to do much more than make my paleo dinner (pork roast, rosemary sweet potatoes, and brussel sprouts and kale) and rest my sore foot (PF started bothering me around mile 5), as well as thinking about my 2014 goals.  I'm really looking forward to a nice 2014.  Here's the main goals (may be a shocker to some as they are some deeply held goals):

1) Getting stronger and stealthier/faster (more power and speed) so I can compete in crossfit games
2) Learning and mastering Olympic lifts:  clean and jerk, snatches, and yeah, deadlifts
3) Relearning proper running gate and working on mobility to get rid of my PF once and for all
4) In addition to beautiful Blue Caravan, performing solo belly dancing (for fun--not for money) with Fred (my talented musician husband) playing--looking to do some tribal fusion pieces that implicitly or explicitly give voice to my heartsong - for the challenge and beauty
5) Figure out what to do about work--where I fit in (see diatribe below*)
6) Like my friend, read 60 books this year!  I'm on book one:  Insurgent (which is a reread, but I'm counting it).

*I love teaching and I do like 5th grade, but I need some intellectual stimulation (like last year).  I'm sick of the freaking evaluations based upon my students' gains, and I think the freaking formal evaluation dance is stupid and pointless because it is not about real learning.  I want to teach...I don't mind motivating a group of kids who are unmotivated, but I want to have a class where kids are curious and want to learn and read, not just the hardest cases ever.  I need HOPE, not endless nights of wondering how my students will survive the night, let alone their adolescence with the odds they are up against.

 I absolutely love reading, but if you tie me to gains on a freaking test given one time with a group of students who read at a 1st grade and 2nd grade level, that takes all the fun out of it.  It's not fair to them and it's not a reflection on what really matters the most--learning is amazing.  Looking forward to working this out some how.  Rant done.