Woke up this morning feeling blue...or rather, still feeling blue. I freaking hate work. HATE it. I only like it when I am around happy teachers or learning students, which are so few and far between in my day that it makes me depressed and angry. Any time I come up for air, some one hits someone, an administrator tells us another thing we have to do to be evaluated on, or another student becomes homeless, helpless, hurt, or sick. My workouts are my therapy. My coworker suggested anti-depressants, and honestly, I considered it, even talked with my new doctor about the stress I've been under. So, enough chitter-chatter. Can't change anything but the fact I have a bad feeling about work. I ask myself: what can I do to change that? Can't control any of the other factors, but I can change the stress I'm causing myself...and that got me thinking about what causes me stress (besides work).
The scale keeps going up (my cortisol levels are high). Now cortisol is a good thing for humans because it helps us with fight or flight, which is necessary, but too high and you gain weight and cannibalize muscle. This is not helping me progress in my workouts. Never mind that, the scale keeps going up. This is causing me stress...I know I'm doing the right things, but...but...but
I picked up Paleo Coach, by Jason Seib. Flipped to the section on body image and people (mainly, women, I would think). What is the motivation to start a new program or come to a gym (his, Jason's)? He states: "When it comes to goals and motivations, everyone who walks into my gym can be placed in one of two groups. The vast majority hate their bodies, or at least some part of it, and are desperate to change themselves and find some relief from the torment of their own disapproval." Well, yeah, that's kind of me, hard to say, but true. He adds: "...If those people do not have a radical shift in self-perception they tend to further divide into two subgroups: those who never fully reach their goals but convince themselves that halfway is good enough, and those who are just passing through and will be leaving the gym soon."
This is not trivial, empty observation on his part. We all need to think about why we workout...I do it for mental reasons (not working, apparently), aesthetic reasons (who knows if it's working or not, if I am engaging in negative talk to myself or expecting perfection or a body look that I cannot achieve), or health (we all know it should be for health, but I push it through injuries sometimes, also). Today, I realized that I am caught up in the aesthetic results...I measure, I count, I chide myself, I push myself, I log in and out, I plan, and I do workout, but I am not having fun, seeing results, feeling better (although my mood does improve) and more organized.
I do feel strong though. I feel really, really strong. Cardio makes me feel tired. Weights make me feel strong and good. The harder it is and the heavier the weight, the better the workout. Don't get me wrong...I love cardio (but only when it shuts off my monkey brain...and it hasn't been doing that lately). I feel wonderful when I pull myself up on a lyra, or I can drop squat to my knees and get back up at dance, or I can do pull-ups with the kids both at home and at school, or I can lift something for someone, who says, "Wait! Let me go get so-and-so (usually a man)." I don't mean egotistically good. It feels physically good to move and do something. It is fun and life-giving.
This all gets me back to stress...that kind of stress is a good stress (it's what cortisol is for). I don't need less sleep, more errands, more worry, more stuff, more thinking about what workout program will work for me and how to combine it so that it will work for my current level of fitness...I need LESS. I need quality. I get this when it comes to nutrition (perhaps that's why I picked up one of the 15 books on Paleo that I own). I collect nutrition and workout books and magazines, even stupid ones. I love to read and think, but I also love to do. Reading doesn't stress me out, but getting the right combination does.
I think what is paramount in this conversation with myself is a change of perspective and obtaining more information (learning how to change that perspective or being open to change). After all, what radically transformed my body three plus years ago was, indeed, just that: radical change in perspective. One day, an ex-friend said to me that I should be a teacher and a mother and stop acting like a teen (or something to that effect). That pissed me off because every nasty remark to hurt someone has a little truth to it or it wouldn't bother you--it'd just bounce off of you, unlike sticks and stones. I stopped drinking, eating crap, and exercised every day after school. I didn't blog, or talk about what I did, I just did it, and suddenly I had lost 15 lbs. in a month. Then, I started waking up early and working out, too. I started dancing more outside of dance class. I started working out more than just at home. I started eating food that fueled me, not numbed or appeased me. And my habits started to change and my attitude started to change and the weight started falling off of me. I radically changed because I didn't like the way I felt from that stupid little comment. And though, this friend is no longer a friend, I started looking at her in a different way. She was one of the main reasons I became healthier. And though I can't go back, I can shift gears, or better yet, get out of car and walk the rest of the way, but not out of anger, and not completely relinquishing already well-established good ideals and habits.
Instead, it's time to set new goals (thanks to my husband who said don't worry about the scale). So, I'm working on this new perspective. This doesn't mean there won't be plenty of stresses because I have them in my life...it doesn't mean that weighty shit doesn't happen to me that makes worrying about workouts trivial and bane...it doesn't mean that I don't think about what is the most important things in my life or that I'm not grateful for them every day (because I am). What is means that without my health (spiritually, mentally, and physically), I can't do anything. I can't enjoy those blessings or be strong and feel good. Health is everything. My food and my workouts fuel my health. This is what I need to be reminded of...not just lip service either. Earthmother2 out.
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